Willow Burn Hospice, December 2018.
A year ago today my wife Suzanna gave up her final breath. It marked the end of a lifetime of remarkable memories, marred by the pain of her final twenty days. In those final days I witnessed the true nature of humanity, people making decisions that affected someone else’s life, choosing not to do their best, not to do what was right, being uncaring in ways that I couldn’t believe people could be. In the following months I was subjected to lies, death threats and people who claimed to be there for me no matter what, turning their backs on me.
All this happened after I had struggled through eight years of severe mental health problems, I couldn’t imagine being without Suzanna, who had supported me through that time. I dedicated my life to her, she was my reason for living. In March I hit an all time low. There were no good days. Every morning was filled with the dread of what was going to happen next. Every day something even worse happened than the previous day.
I prepared to put an end to it all. Completely alone in the house, kids away for the weekend, the plan in motion, when unexpectedly my daughter walked into the house. It stopped me in my tracks, made me rethink the decision, if she had been minutes later, she would have had to deal with the fallout. It woke me up, shook me momentarily from my grief and made me determined to change direction.
In the last six months things have changed significantly. I have become driven again in the way I was years ago, I have become extremely passionate about the work that I do and have started achieving in the ways I used to. Most importantly I am surrounding myself with like minded people, people who are passionate and thoughtful and who give a damn that I am here.
I won’t name them. Those people know who they are, if you are in doubt, if I have spent more than a few hours chatting with you or working with you in the last year, then you are part of the reason I am still here. You are making life worth living for me.